Standing in the aisle at Target one January afternoon, I hear a child hacking and sniffling nearby. “Let’s get away from the cesspool before we catch something,” my friend whispers, and I just chuckle. “Yeahh, that’s my future right there.”

For those who don’t know, I am in training to be a pediatrician. It’s a long, slow process, but I’m getting there! Many people have asked me why medicine, and why pediatrics, so I thought I’d share a little bit about my journey in the medical field:

At first, medical school knocked me on my butt. I had always been a straight A student; I had to work for my grades but it always paid off. When I started med school in 2018, it went absolutely terribly (see “Failure is a Bruise, not a Tattoo”). I started over, which turned out to be for the best, and have since done very well for myself. But any way you slice it, getting an MD is pretty darn hard. Classmates told me, “wow, I don’t know if I could do it over if I were you.” I’ll be the first to admit it was a little rough, but I made it, and I am committed to finishing out what I started. Still, I’d be lying if I said there weren’t days when I thought, why am I doing this again? I push myself to be better every day, and I know it will only get more difficult come residency. Even so, I know it will all be worth it when I get to do what I love every day.

The thing is, I don’t have to do this. I get to do this. I am 3.5 years in and my experiences have been nothing short of incredible. I got to be the first face a newborn baby saw after I guided it into the world. I got to celebrate with the mom of 3 who finished her last round of chemo. I got to sit with the suicidal teenager until she felt heard. I got to hold a beating heart in the palm of my hand. I got to hold the frail hand of a 94-year-old woman, so she was not alone in her final moments. For the rest of my life, I get to save lives when I can, and I get to comfort loved ones when I can’t.

Medicine is a broad field, and I had many options when it came to choosing a specialty. So, why pediatrics? To be honest, I was surprised when I fell in love with my pediatrics rotation, though I had been working with children for as long as I could remember. From my role as a big sister, to volunteering in the NICU in high school, to treating children for parasites in Guatemala, to teaching puberty classes in Ghana. I worked as a medical assistant to a pediatric dermatologist, and, finally, worked as a nanny for a year. Even so, I went into medical school with the intention of becoming an OB/GYN. I dreamed of delivering babies for a living, and I did find it so rewarding when I had the opportunity to do so. However, when I went home at the end of the day, I did not feel the joy that I had hoped to experience. I was terrified of abandoning the plan I had made for my career, but I could not help but come back to how I felt during my pediatrics rotation. I missed being able to foster the integration of play and health. I missed interacting with entire families to assuage fears and empower caregivers and patients alike. I could even see my personality reflected in the residents that never hesitated to include me.

The unadulterated joy and incredible resilience children possess are infectious. In the face of early mornings and late nights, I found that I was genuinely happy treating even the sickest kiddos. Those in my life saw me agonize over the decision to go into pediatrics, but when I truly looked inward, it was easy. I am fascinated by child development, I am fueled by the energy exuded by little humans, and I am humbled by the wonder in their eyes.

I may not have known it at first, but I was always meant to be a pediatrician. Medical school has challenged me in ways I could not have imagined, but it fostered my resilience and taught me how to ask for help when I need it. I am so excited to continue this journey to becoming a pediatrician, and I feel empowered to make a difference in the lives of society’s youngest members. Dr. Nikki, here I come.

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