“I’m happy for you, it’s just surprising,” my sister says as we float in the backyard pool of our Airbnb in California. “I feel like you did a 180.”

I shrug, holding back a goofy smile.

“She’s in looooove,” my other sister chimes in, with a sappy smile of her own.

“I don’t know, I guess I just didn’t have hope that I would find the right person. I didn’t know what this would feel like. Call me a cynic, but it doesn’t happen to everyone right away. Plus, you know, I was not setting myself up for success for the first 23 years,” I laughed.

Friends, I will be the first to admit that I used to HATE love. That sounds ridiculous, but seeing couples gush over each other or swooning in each other’s arms made me roll my eyes until I was dizzy. I’ll be honest, as much as I wanted to believe in love, I never saw myself finding it personally. My parents were high school sweethearts, so were my sister and her husband. It looked easy, but that was never the path I was meant to follow. Which is TOTALLY fine, I know. I liked the idea of having a life partner, a family, a home, but when it came down to it that vision seemed so far-fetched, I had kind of stopped believing that it would ever come true.  

Remember my post “One fish, two fish,” way back when? I had discovered that, *surprise* my person was not of the male specimen after all, and that I was looking in all the wrong places for Mrs. Right. Was I the last person in the world to realize I was gay?? (Don’t answer that, I know the answer is probably.) Anyway, it’s Pride month, and I think it’s only fitting to celebrate my and ALL love in this post.

Ok, me first. Actually, J first. I need to give my girlfriend a shout out here, because A) She’s the freakin’ best, and B) I know she reads this blog. All kidding aside, J deserves more than a paragraph; she deserves the whole wide world and more. Don’t worry, I won’t wax poetic about true love and happily ever after, but I am going to brag for a second. My girlfriend is so grounding, emotionally intelligent, selfless and thoughtful. She is smart, fiercely ambitious, and frankly, a total badass. She’s a rapid response nurse at a busy hospital; she quite literally saves lives on a daily basis. Sometimes we’ll be riding in the car, or sharing a dinner that she undoubtedly cooked, or we’ll just be waking up for the day, and I’ll look over at her in disbelief. “How is this real life?” is her sappy line, which would have made me BARF before we met. Now, well, let’s just say I’m smiling like a goon as I write this.

Friends, I spent a lot of time believing I was broken. I didn’t see myself falling in love, because I think deep down I questioned whether I was lovable, whether I deserved love. I feel sad for young Nikki who thought that way, but I know better now. I AM lovable; I deserve to love and be loved. J proves that to me every single day, and I will be eternally grateful.

Now that’s it’s June, aka Pride month, love is in the spotlight. LGBTQ+ visibility is at an all-time high this time of year, and I, for one, am loving it. My hospital is sporting a big ol’ rainbow flag out front, which is such a wonderful reminder that I am welcome there, exactly as I am. I do want to acknowledge though, that every queer individual has a different lived experience, and for some, pride month is not such a celebratory time. Some folks have it harder; their coming out process comes with devastating loss, whether it be family, friends, or faith. Instead of support, some are faced with blatant hatred, or disgust, even from the very people they trusted to love them. I dream of a world where all people can be unapologetically themselves, but we’re not there yet. If you take nothing else from this post, I just want you to remember one thing: YOU. DESERVE. LOVE. All of you, friends, whether you identify as LGBTQ or an ally. Also, the only way to make sure everyone believes that statement is to GIVE LOVE. Freely, abundantly, without hesitation or regard for what people will think. I want to extend this sentiment to anyone who may be struggling: I am here, I see you, and you are safe with me. It warms my heart when I see colleagues with little rainbow stickers on their ID badges, or posters hung in offices designating them as LGBTQ-friendly spaces. It matters. It’s not about politics, or religion, though people will often make it out to be. When you get down to it, it’s about basic human desire. We need love. As sappy, or soap box-ey, as I sound right now, I truly believe that. So go, friends, and tell someone you love them today. Give a hug. Then, if you’re feeling it, put on something rainbow and toss some glitter in the air. This lesbian sure will.

With love,

Nikki