Life update: It’s the last day of intern year. Dr. Nikki has come so, so far since that first day last June when I walked into the Heme-Onc workroom at 5:45am and started aimlessly reading charts. Don’t get me wrong, there is still a seemingly infinite amount of learning to be done. Just yesterday, I was working with a physical therapist and she asked if I had questions about her techniques or teaching methods. “I’m sure I do,” I replied, “but I don’t even know what I don’t know.” Well, that about sums up intern year.

They used to tell us in medical school that studying medicine was like “drinking from a fire hose,” and I guess that’s pretty accurate. If med school is a fire hose though, residency is a tsunami. It’s impossible to swim against, impossible to float on like a lazy river. I spent a lot of time just keeping my head above water, and I know I’m not the only one. Eventually, though, you figure out how to doggy paddle, and little by little take a few strokes with the tide. I grew up going to the beach, and I learned from a young age that if you get caught in a riptide you don’t try to fight it. You swim perpendicular to its pull until you reach a less dangerous spot, then you can head towards the safety of the shore. I’m no Olympic swimmer, but I get more confident each day that I can reach that shore. Sure, sometimes I get a mouthful of water and have a moment of panic, but so far my success rate for catching my breath again is 100%.

I am truly proud of myself for how hard I have worked this year, and grateful for the people that have buoyed me when I felt like this job was too hard. We residents joke that it’s “trauma bonding,” and maybe there’s a little bit of truth to that, but at the end of the day there isn’t one person in my program that I don’t trust to be there for me when things get tough. I hope they all know that I am equally as there for them, and even though there are some things in residency I can’t fix, I will do my best to ease the burden, even a little bit.

It’s hard to explain, and maybe you can’t understand it if you are not going through it, but maybe this puts it into context. I have a framed poster in my bedroom that reads “You did not wake up today to be mediocre.” I found it motivating when I bought it, and occasionally I’ll read it and think, “damn straight, I’m gonna crush it today,” but honestly sometimes I think, “screw it, just let me get through the day.” This year, I’ve learned, I’ve laughed, and I’ve cried, sometimes all in the same day. I’m thankful that I am already on a mood stabilizer, because sometimes I give myself emotional whiplash.

But friends, I feel like I have to clarify: residency is not all bad. In fact, I have discovered a lot about myself in the last year, and overall I would describe myself as happy. I’m terrified of becoming a senior, (hello, self-doubt) but deep down I know I am ready. I’m well aware that I’m my own biggest critic, and the vast majority of the pressure put on me is self-inflicted. So, I think the most important lesson I have learned this year has nothing to do with medicine. The thing I have come to realize is, you don’t have to be the best at everything, all the time. You have to DO your best, trust your instincts and your colleagues, and be kind to yourself. I’m going to make mistakes, we all do. I can’t help but be a little nervous, but at the same time, I’m excited for what’s to come. Stay tuned, friends, Dr. Nikki is moving up in the world.