Here we go again. Another set of applications, interviews, rank lists. Why must I do this to myself?

As long as I can remember, I have been looking forward to the next step, the next chapter, whether that be in my personal or professional life. I think I am coming up on the end of an era, then the next one begins before I can blink. Well friends, Dr. Nikki is at it again. I have decided to pursue a fellowship in pediatric endocrinology, which means another 3 years of training at a yet-unknown hospital, before I can finally, FINALLY become an attending. It’s okay though, because I am doing what I love and what will lead to a fulfilling career when I eventually get to that point. Still, the match process is a little intimidating, and not knowing where I will spend the next 3 years is a bit unsettling for a control freak like me.

Now I’m back on the interview trail. 4 down and 5 to go as of now, and though I have great options I already feel the underlying anxiety rising. I know I will get a solid education wherever I match, and fortunately peds endo is not a competitive specialty at the moment. However, no matter where I match I will be starting at a new institution, and maybe moving to a new part of the country. It’s not an adventure I haven’t undertaken before, but it still feels scary and uncertain.

I got the chance to go back to Ohio recently to see my best friend and meet her new baby. It was a rare trip down memory lane, and I was struck by how much had changed in the 2+ years since I moved away. At the same time, the most important things hadn’t changed a bit; the fond memories as I passed my med school and all the apartments I had lived in, the love from good friends, the Skyline chili. It was a major chapter in my story, and though I’m not there anymore, I realized how much I took from it and keep in my heart. At the time I was afraid to leave to start training where I am now, and yet here I am, thriving.  

A good friend told me once, “You’re a bloom where you’re planted kind of gal.” It warmed by heart in the moment, and continues to do so every time I remind myself of what it means. Because really, it doesn’t matter where I go. I will put my whole heart into creating a beautiful little life, while treasuring all the lives I have built before. My pile of good things will continue to grow, little by little. So stay tuned friends, Dr. Nikki is figuring out her next chapter…again.