Am I the only one who has to take laps of the floor between patients every once in a while, focusing on my breathing and trying to recenter myself? Am I the only one who drives home with tears prickling my eyes after a difficult shift? Is anyone else trying to remind themselves, ‘I am a human being before I am a physician’? I love my job, I wouldn’t be doing anything else, even if I could. Sometimes though, it’s so freaking hard. Every so often there is a case that really gets to me, and I have trouble putting those feelings into words. A while ago I wrote down a little narrative about a patient that stuck with me, with a vague idea to perform it in spoken word somewhere. I never got to that, but I’d like to share it here, maybe that will be a start until I can build up the emotional fortitude to speak it out loud. Distilled down to one word, I am calling the piece “Scared.”

The nurse comes in
Supplies on the table
Needle in hand
She tries to keep her eyes open
Long enough to follow what’s going on
You can relax
I reassure
You don’t have to look
Her eyes widen for a second
Searching my face
For the safety she seeks

I’m scared

Mom sits in the corner
Legs and arms crossed
Trying to hold it together for her daughters
One sitting beside her
One in the bed
Doctor, when will we know what’s wrong?
I trust your team, I do, but

I’m scared

Sister pulls me into the bathroom
Takes a shaky breath
I have to tell you Doctor
I think
She did this
On purpose
I don’t want to lose my best friend

I’m scared

We’ll do everything we can to get you through this
Keep you informed every step of the way
The blood test is back
The levels are high
We need to counteract

I leave the room
The door closes gently behind me
The feelings bubble up
It hits so close to home

I know
what the textbook says
I know
What to order
I think
I can handle this
But

I’m scared.