J loves the podcast We Can Do Hard Things. I really hate podcasts, but every once in a while she will hear something that reminds her of me and will play a snippet for me to hear. They discuss different topics between the three women on the show, and often talk about lessons they have learned the hard way. Though I think I could contribute about 75,000 of those, sometimes they say something that really strikes a chord. One segment I really enjoyed (yes, don’t tell J), was about the futility of trying to do everything yourself, and the value of community. Emily Nagoski’s quote resonated the most: “When you feel you need more grit, what you need is more help. When you feel you need more discipline, what you need is more kindness.”

Several weeks ago, I was having a really hard time. Personal things had come up that left me emotionally exhausted, and trying to keep up while senioring an inpatient team at work was nearly impossible. I reached out to one of my attendings in a last-ditch effort to keep my head above water, and she happily agreed to talk.

Walking into her office, I tried to center myself with a deep, shaky breath. “I’m not going to cry and I’m not going to have a panic attack,” I said, and then immediately proceeded to do both. I word vomited until I ran out of things to say, and Dr. A didn’t flinch. She listened so patiently, and I could tell she was not just listening, she was actually hearing me. There’s a difference, which I often forget until it really matters. Most importantly, I didn’t feel judged, and that was the greatest gift she could have given me. “We will get through this,” she said gently, and I actually believed her.

Later on, I texted Dr. A to tell her how much I appreciated her support. The words ‘thank you’ simply weren’t enough. “You reminded me how to be a compassionate human,” I told her. “Sometimes I need to remember that everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about, and it costs nothing to be kind.”

Turns out, that lesson could not have come at a better time. Over the next couple weeks, I witnessed more than one person in my life go through some serious hard times, and a few others confided in me with details of their personal struggles and tragedies. I don’t know if it’s a coincidence, but suddenly it felt like everywhere I looked people were reaching out to each other for support, like an intricate set of scaffolding climbing up a beautiful building.

“Hey,” I said to J recently after she had a particularly terrible day trying to navigate a family emergency. “We are in this together. This sucks, but we will get through it. You are my family.”

“Thank you,” she sighed, “it helps to hear together.”

As much as I think it’s important to set boundaries and make sure you don’t exceed your emotional capacity, I also think that you don’t have to be in a perfect spot yourself to be a support for someone else. It feels like a lot to be someone’s “rock,” and that’s probably not 100% possible or even healthy. But I have found that in the midst of hardship, there is something to be said for a simple hug, or a kind word or small gesture from someone else. Someone showed me kindness at a time when I felt like I was drowning, and it buoyed me enough to be able to spread kindness to others who need it.

Friends, I’m still not going to listen to podcasts regularly (okay only snippets when J has one on in the apartment), but…maybe they’re onto something. We can do hard things, but maybe the key word isn’t can. Maybe, the key word is we.