My mouth is dry, my arms are shaking, and my whole body feels like jelly. Yep, it’s a silks night. For the past four months I have been going to weekly classes at an aerial arts studio to tangle myself up and test my strength at aerial sling. It’s hard to describe so you may need to google a picture, but aerial sling is when a long piece of fabric is hung from the ceiling in a U shape, and you use it to climb, spin, flip and pose on. It is so much fun to be up there and trying new skills, but it is HARD. The first month or two I needed a lot of modifications, as I just didn’t have the upper body or core strength to get into the right orientation or hold myself up there for any extended period of time. I could almost reach the top, then my muscles would give out. I could almost transition from one pose to the other, then I would lose my balance and unravel. It was fun to challenge myself, but I started to get discouraged after so many iterations of “I’m not strong/flexible/balanced enough.”

“Stick with it, Nikki” my instructor M would say. “I know it’s hard but giving up isn’t going to get you there.” She’s right, I thought, I have to reframe it. So I did, adding a simple yet powerful word to my self talk.

“I’m not strong enough YET,” I would say. It felt better to end it like that, as opposed to not strong enough, period. I can honestly acknowledge that I just don’t have the strength right now, but with the implication that I will at some point. It changed my whole mindset.

I started going to the gym between classes to lift some weights and work on ab exercises to give myself a fighting chance at finishing a routine at the studio. Little by little, week by week, I could do more and more, feeling like a proud child screaming “Look at me!” when I mastered a particular move. For months on end I worked on knee tucks and pull ups while the rest of the class did their “pullover progressions,” which looked SO simple and yet required a crazy amount of strength to do safely. A few weeks ago my instructor came over to watch me doing unsupported knee tucks, and commented that if I could get my knees up to my face I could probably do a pullover, if I wanted to try. OH, I wanted to try. I adjusted my grip on the silk, took a deep breath, pulled myself up and sent my legs over my head…NOPE. “You’re right there,” M said, “try again.” Okay Nikki, this is what we’ve been training for, I thought to myself as I reset. One, two, three…UP and OVER! It wasn’t the most graceful, but I felt myself complete the flip and land my waist on the curve of the silk. “I DID IT!” I couldn’t help but squeal. The girl next to me turned in her silk and did a little clap for me, and I smiled until my face hurt.

At the end of every class, we put on some music and perform the routine we spent the previous hour and a half learning. When I first started, I took cues from the rest of the group and propped my phone up to video myself up in the fabric for these mini “performances.” Now I take great pleasure in making and watching the videos, sending them to my family or showing them to J when I get home after class. They are still not particularly graceful, but I feel proud of myself for the skills I can do, and I when I’m up there I feel pretty and strong. I love that my classmates are very diverse in terms of body type, age and experience level, and I have never felt like I needed to be a certain size or look a certain way to be successful in the aerial sling. Level 1 is still challenging, so I’m not an expert YET, but I am grateful for all that silks has taught me and the confidence it has instilled.  

So, for those of you who feel like you’re not where you want to be, remember that you are not there YET. Challenge yourselves, friends, but be okay with the fact that the best may be yet to come.