I don’t know what it feels like to give birth, and that’s fine. Actually, that’s good, because I don’t want to. And that is MY decision to make for myself, and I don’t owe anyone an explanation, and I certainly don’t have to “earn” my womanhood, or motherhood, in other ways. I know plenty of people who have given birth, and have heard about all kinds of experiences, good and bad. I also know plenty of people who have decided not to give birth, and heard about their feelings with that experience too. I see kids with single parents, or same-sex parents or adoptive parents and all their experiences fall on a very wide spectrum. I can’t help but feel the weight then of all the animosity that has settled on our society these days, how comfortable people have become with the us-versus-them mentality. Everyone has the right to their own opinion; NO ONE has the right to be unkind.

I had an experience at work once, that I think about a lot. My team was called about an incoming delivery of a baby who had been prenatally diagnosed with a severe congenital anomaly. There were extensive discussions between the maternal-fetal medicine team and the parents, and there was a mutual understanding that there wasn’t much that could be done for him once he was born in terms of prolonging his life. The decision was made for us to be there to provide comfort care when he arrived, so that parents could hold him for whatever amount of time he had. I wasn’t part of the discussion and truly it doesn’t matter, I have to trust that they made the decision that felt right for their family in the face of an awful situation.  Still, I found myself having a lot of thoughts and feelings about the situation, some of them conflicting and honestly started hoping I wouldn’t have to be the one in the room. I didn’t know how I would react, or what I would say, but I wound up not having too much time to think about it. 

The attending figured we should go down to Labor and Delivery first thing to at least introduce ourselves, and then when the time came for mom to deliver they could call us and we would come back. As we got to the room her nurse came out and said, oh good timing, she’s 10 centimeters, I was just going to go tell the team. We went in and started explaining our role, getting a sense of what the family’s goals were, when mom gasped mid-sentence and said, “I need to push!” My attending and I looked at each other, knowing that this mom had had several previous vaginal deliveries, and this was unlikely to be a false alarm. She hurried out of the room to find the OB, and I made my way over to the bed. I thought about grabbing gloves just in case, but figured surely the OB team would be here any second. Well, we didn’t have any seconds. I lifted off the blanket to see that baby’s head was already out, and stuck my hands out just in time to catch the rest of his body. He was small, and slippery and tangled, and for a good 10 seconds the only thought in my head was DON’T drop him. By the time I took a breath and looked around, help had still not shown up. I’ll spare the gory details but I did what I had to do to get him on mom’s chest, and finally the L&D team came in. Just as the adrenaline was settling down, I found the only words that felt even remotely right for the situation.

“How lucky is he, to be so loved?” I said to the mom and dad. I couldn’t get out more than that, and walked out of the room in a trance. I can’t even begin to describe what I was feeling as I scrubbed myself off in the sink outside, but what just happened…? is an understatement. That was the last time I saw them, baby died a few hours later. As time has passed I have honestly forgotten the rest of the details, and I couldn’t pick out those parents in a crowd, but I hope they are doing okay. I hope I never know what it feels like to lose a child, whether that child was wanted or not, grown in my body or not, or shares any DNA with me or not. I was in that room, I was literally holding a dying baby with my bare hands, and I still have NO IDEA what it feels like to be that mom. It is so, so easy to say ‘well they should just do this,’ or ‘I would do this if I were them,’ whether it’s about a friend or a stranger on the internet. It’s okay to have those thoughts, we all have opinions, but the words that come out of your mouth have to be kind. Let’s not forget what we learned in kindergarten, friends: If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.